ST. LOUIS, Missouri – It all started in the fourth quarter, when Rams kicker Josh Brown made a 29-yard field goal to pull St. Louis within one point of the San Francisco 49ers.
“I looked at the scoreboard and saw Detroit start to fade against Chicago,” Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo said. “We didn’t have a moment to lose.”
The Rams, ranked second in the Marsh & Dave Vs. The Coin NFL Depression Rankings, were the underdog in the Depression Championship against the defending Depression Champions, the Detroit Lions. As the Rams trailed, 7-6, the Lions had allowed the Chicago Bears to break what was a fourth-quarter tie. Spagnuolo knew that a one-point loss wouldn’t be enough.
“We had to dig deep. We had to remember what it was that made us depressing all season. We were the team with the worst offense and the worst defense.”
Indeed, the St. Louis offense sputtered all day, as Keith Null’s 57 yards on 17 pass attempts was outdone by veteran depressing QB Kyle Boller, who passed for a mere 23 yards on 11 pass attempts. But the Rams defense, a terrible unit all season, seemed to be finding a way to shut down the 49ers offense.
After Brown’s field goal, Spagnuolo knew he had to make a bold move.
“I told our secondary coach that I wanted to see those guys start getting burned.”
Spagnuolo got his wish, as shortly thereafter, San Francisco QB Alex Smith connected with TE Vernon Davis for a 73-yard touchdown to put the 49ers ahead, 14-6. Two more fourth quarter touchdowns followed, and the final score was one more fitting of the Rams: 28-6.
However, according to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, it wasn’t the final score of the game that clinched the championship for the Rams. It was the atmosphere in the Edward Jones Dome.
“Some fans are passionate about their team even when they’re down,” Goodell explained. “However, when Vernon Davis scored in the fourth quarter, there was no cheering. There was no booing. In fact, there was no noise at all. What that indicated is that Rams fans have no passion remaining for their team. They saw the touchdown pass and eventual loss not as a catastrophic event, but instead, as an inevitability. That is what makes them the most depressing NFL team of the 2009 season.”
Spagnuolo said he couldn’t have been more proud of his team.
“It’s a rare thing to see a group of guys work so hard in practice and then play so bad on the field. This is a group of guys who have taken depressing football and made it an art form. In fact, I think they’re more depressing than last year’s Lions in a lot of ways.”
Lions head coach Jim Schwartz commented on the loss.
“Well, before the game, we knew we were ranked number one and in the driver’s seat. So I decided to start my go-to guy when I need a depressing performance in Daunte Culpepper. I was horrified to see Culpepper put together a performance like he did for the Vikings when he was their quarterback a few years ago. Unfortunately, while our defense did the right thing and stepped down, our offense actually stepped up.
“I congratulate the St. Louis Rams on a well-deserved championship.”
After congratulating the Lions on their lack of accomplishments, Goodell turned his focus to the NFL draft.
“Now, for these depressing teams, the offseason begins, and the offseason is very important. A strong draft and free-agent signings hurt a team’s initial depression rank. However, these two teams in particular know how to have a bad offseason, so I’m very confident they’ll do it again.”
Spagnuolo said that the Rams are poised to repeat.
“I agree with the commissioner, and in fact, we’re already prepared for a terrible offseason.”
Asked who he thinks the Rams will draft first overall, Spagnuolo delivered an answer sure to depress Rams fans even more.
“Who knows? We might draft Sam Bradford.”
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