M&D Baseball

So initially, we were thinking of creating a whole new baseball site. We’re thinking that this may be foolish. Hell, we can’t even keep up on one blog, much less two.

So I think we will keep just the one for now, but with a decided change in coverage. We are going to stop football coverage until around August, and then we will kick start it again. We WILL, however, make a better use of blog tags and the like to keep our posts organized between baseball and football. Sorry basketball and hockey fans, but neither of us follow those sports as closely. Someday, one of us might even go back and change the old tags over to help organize things.

So with that, lets kick off our baseball coverage. More change may be imminent. We will just try to keep offering humor under a statistical lens.

~Marsh and Dave

(PS Maybe someday we will get around to the site overhaul like we promised)

Down And Dirty Super Bowl Analysis

This Sunday I laughed in the face of an overwhelming majority. Out of the eight people in attendance, only I predicted a Saints victory. I am not gloating in my accomplishments, merely mentioning the fact.

The past weeks have been a bit lean on actual football analysis, and while Dave does it far better than myself, I’ll give it the college try. Last night’s Super Bowl ended up being quite the competitive contest, as the Cadre of Creole Clergymen outlasted the Ensemble of Embryonic Equines (the credit isn’t mine on that one). Despite rumors to the contrary, Peyton Manning is human, but while he threw the game-icing interception, the blame should not solely rest on his shoulders. I’ll try to do a quarter-by-quarter analysis.

1st Quarter

As the box score could attest, the Colts pretty much dominated this quarter. Peyton Manning was average at best, completing a goodly majority of his passes and taking what the Saints gave him. It was good, but not great. The 96-yard touchdown drive that he “orchestrated” mainly had Joseph Addai to thank, as he broke runs of 16, 11, and 26 yards. Manning did get the glory by finding a wide open Pierre Garcon in the endzone, but most of success for that play comes from the relative failure of Saints DBs Usama Young and Roman Harper. Interestingly, the Saints did not try too terribly hard to get to Peyton Manning in this quarter, which was surprising to see after listening to Gregg Williams comments earlier in the week. I was expecting 6- and 7-man blitzes aimed at putting pressure on Manning, instead the Saints did exactly the opposite, rushing only 3 linemen most of the time. The would gear up some more exotic blitzes later, but the first quarter seemed to have lulled Manning into a sense of security. The quarter ended with a 10-0 Colts advantage.

2nd Quarter

The second quarter showed what the Saints can do. Pierre Thomas was doing his best (good) Reggie Bush impression, catching passes out of the backfield and running screens. Pierre Thomas, as we have been saying all year, can do something Reggie Bush can’t, and that’s punish tacklers. While the points weren’t there (yet), this quarter showed the Saints moving more towards their famous trickery, running screens and hooks to try to throw the Colts linebackers off-balance. It often worked, and Drew Brees was able to take advantage of Gary Brackett covering Marques Colston one-on-one several times. A few things of note in terms of the Saints play-calling. First, the WR-reverse call was atrocious. The Saints were moving the ball with their passing game, and the Colts Cover-2 defense is specifically designed to stop those slow-developing plays (That being said, good instincts by Antoine Bethea to move up to stop Henderson). Second, why in the hell did Sean Payton call three straight running plays inside the 5-yard line? The Saints hadn’t had a glimmer of hope in the running game all day, and the play calling could have used a rethink.

Interesting side-effect of the Saints offensive success. Their short passes kept the chains moving, and more importantly, kept the clock moving. The Colts only had the ball for three minutes in that entire quarter. Isn’t that what the Saints wanted all along? By the end of the quarter, the Saints had cut the deficit, trailing 10-6.

Halftime

I seem to remember watching a couple of old guys playing a CSI-theme song medley. Did anybody else have a similar experience? (In truth, I love the Who, but they are old. And CBS has a tendency to pimp what works. I’m pretty sure CSI: Topeka will have Pinball Wizard as the theme song.)

3rd Quarter

Sean Payton earns a couple of steel-core cajones, and will never have to buy another beer in his life, as he opened up the half with an on-side kick. On a side note, Dave has jokingly called for an onside kick every time he sees a kickoff. Except he didn’t this time. Por que, Dave, Por que…

The onside was executed beautifully, and much e-ink has been wasted debating the call. One thing is for sure: it was a game-changer. The Saints took the ball,  put it in Pierre Thomas’ hands, and let him run wild. Reggie Bush who? The Colts responded with an efficient drive for a touchdown, maintaining their lead.

Garrett Hartley later added another 40+ yard field goal. Don’t underestimate your kicker, kids. He might just do the Lord’s work in keeping the game close.

4th Quarter

Really, the last quarter can be summed up in two plays: The two point conversion to Lance Moore, and the interception by Tracy Porter.

Sean Payton once again showed his coaching chops when he called for Lance Moore’s conversion to be reviewed. My somewhat-biased interpretation is that they eventually made the play correct, as Lance Moore was able to maintain possession until he was ruled “down.” It may not be the letter of the rule, but the rules that define possession have always been murky.

Tracy Porter, meanwhile, made a career for himself this post-season. He intercepted Brett Favre’s last pass (of the career season) and made Peyton Manning look stupid. He actually did a “bad” thing on the interception, as he broke coverage to jump the route. It’s the same thing that Asante Samuel does that raises my blood pressure.

So kudos to the Saints. I’m not sure that this “makes up” for Katrina, but it certainly gives a city a good thing to celebrate. Between this and Mardi Gras, we can expect a city-wide funeral procession on Wednesday.

A short note regarding M&D. This will likely be one of the last football-based posts until next year, as we are shifting our focus to baseball. If you want more M&D goodness, check back in a few days to see a link to our new blog.

Former FEMA Chief Weighs in on the Super Bowl

http://www.politico.com/click/stories/1002/brownie_goes_for_colts_over_saints.html

So one of the (many) overwrought backstories to this year’s Super Bowl is how meaningful a Saints victory will be in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. I can believe it, and I’m rooting for the Saints this weekend (I almost always root NFC).

That being said, if you were Michael Brown, and a reporter asked you to go on record with your Super Bowl pick, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU PICK AGAINST THE SAINTS?! This is political suicide on the level of Martha Coakley calling Curt Schilling a Yankee fan. Michael Brown’s gaffe is likely only  slightly less relevant to socialized health care.

In other Saints news, I present a screenshot from the Weather Channel.

oooookkkkayyyy…maybe not the most tasteful picture on the internet right now (but certainly not the least).

~M

Pro Bowl?! Who Watches the Pro Bowl?!

In short, I do.

First, some housecleaning. There will likely be some changes at M&D. We don’t quite know what, but we will be experimenting with various formats and such during the off-season. We may ever start a sister-site focused on baseball. WE JUST DON’T KNOW! This website is all about fun, for both the reader and the writer, and lately it’s gotten too big and unwieldy to stay that way.  We are gonna try to find some ways to trim down the fat.

So what was I talking about the Pro Bowl? Yeah…We all broke down and watched it last night. Dave and Kyle watched pretty much the entire game. I came in about halfway through the second quarter. We were all losers.

We all agreed that the Pro Bowl is probably the worst of all the “All-Star Games.” All the other big sports turn their games out in the middle of the season, something that is impractical in the NFL. The elephant in the room, the one that nobody in the NFL wants to talk about, is the fact players just don’t care about playing in the Pro Bowl. In today’s NFL, players aren’t going to risk their multimillion dollar bodies in what amounts to a publicity stunt. Personally, I think the new format actually HELPS interest. Play the game the week before the Super Bowl, and market the hell out of it. Eventually, people might start to give a shit. (UPDATE: Looks like the NFL already moved it back for next year. Guess this all was a one year thing. I knew they were moving it back to Hawaii, but I had missed the date)

If people still don’t watch, then the NFL should take solace in history. Has the Pro Bowl ever been exciting for adults? Maybe the NFL just needs to cut the pretense and market the game for kids. I seem to remember watching a game when I was 8 or 9 years old, and being absolutely amazed at how awesome the concept was. I watched quarterbacks Jeff Blake and Steve Bono  give the ball to AFC luminaries Kimble Anders and Yancey Thigpen . It was a different time! These were the absolute best of the best, and their accomplishments stood the test of time.

Something to think about when you remember the legacy of David Gerrard and Yeremiah Bell.

M&D Coin Picks: 2009 Divisional Round Edition

After a totally mediocre and dubious week of picking who will win football games, we have decided to come back this week to do it again for some reason. I suppose it’s not unlike eating a box of chocolates, where this time you hope it isn’t a coconut one again… but it is.

Game 1: Arizona Cardinals at New Orleans Saints

Marsh: SAINTS

Dave: SAINTS – I actually empathize with Saints fans a little bit. Even though their team got the home-field advantage over the Vikings, like the Vikings, the Saints have been panned across the football world for their stumble into the postseason. I suppose you could say that I don’t judge teams based on their last two or three games: I’ve always felt that a year-long view is a much better barometer of how good a team is. That doesn’t mean that recent performance doesn’t matter, but what it does mean is that how a team has performed recently shouldn’t be the sole reason for judging who will win a game.

There is something working against New Orleans, though: their defensive performance in the first half of the season subsisted on turnovers. In their first four games, they forced 13 turnovers. That kind of turnover rate is simply unsustainable on defense, and the New Orleans defense suffered as a result.

With that having been said, I still like the Saints to win this game. Arizona’s defense hasn’t been exactly on fire lately either, and if you give me the choice of Kurt Warner or Drew Brees in a shootout, while Warner turns into Superman sometimes, I’ll take Brees every time.

(Watch: this game will be 17-6 or something. Football is weird that way.)

Kyle: CARDINALS: The Saints didn’t finish the season in a very positive way, and the trend seems to be towards the lower seeded teams winning in the playoffs.  I’ll go with the Cardinals in a shootout.

Coin: SAINTS

Game 2: Baltimore Ravens at Indianapolis Colts

Marsh: RAVENS

Dave: RAVENS – I would go so far as to say that Baltimore is not the team the Colts wanted to see win against New England on Sunday. In fact, I would go even farther and say that the Ravens are exactly the right team to beat the Colts.

Now, I generally go against conventional wisdom, and no wisdom is more conventional than “you need to run the ball and stop the run to win games.” Never mind that the Colts of 2006 won a Super Bowl by doing neither. So it pains me to say that the running game is why I think Baltimore will win.

See, the Colts are not a strong running team. You would think that, on offense, the Colts do everything well, but you’d be mistaken. In fact, Joseph Addai had only 3.8 yards per carry and Donald Brown managed a mere 3.6 yards per carry. This was reflected in these teams’ regular season meeting, where Addai rushed for 71 yards on 19 carries. However, Baltimore lost, 17-15, largely because they only got 71 yards on 20 carries from their own running back, Ray Rice. This time, I think Rice will perform much better against a Colts defense that, according to Football Outsiders, was exactly average stopping the run in 2009.

As for the passing games? Yes, Peyton Manning is better than Joe Flacco. However, on the same Football Outsiders page, you see that the Ravens had a far superior defense against the passing game. My pick, as it was in the regular season, is Baltimore. What am I not looking forward to? Everybody saying that it’s all because the Colts rested their starters at the end of the season.

Kyle: COLTS: Part of me wants to pick the Ravens, but I think that the Colts have something to prove here.  It was pretty obvious that the starters wanted to go for perfection but management wouldn’t let them.  I like the Colts to come out and pick apart the Ravens.

Coin: RAVENS

Game 3: Dallas Cowboys at Minnesota Vikings

Marsh: VIKINGS

Dave: VIKINGS – I’m a Vikings fan. As such, my sworn enemies in football are the Packers and the Bears. (I love the Lions… two free wins per year.) But damn if the media isn’t going to make the Cowboys the third team on that list. I won’t spend more time on it; the thoughts and musings post adequately expresses my feelings. Still, it will have been a long time since I was so passionate about a Vikings playoff game.

Objectivity time: the Cowboys were ON FIRE late in the season. The Vikings were about as hot as a Minnesota winter. As I explained in the Arizona/New Orleans game, I look less at how teams finish and more at how they perform throughout the year. If this game was in Dallas, the Cowboys would be very likely to win. In Minnesota, the Vikings have the edge.

See, here are some numbers for you, and please do take the time to digest them. The Vikings are 8-0 at home this season. Their point differential? +137. Brett Favre? Two interceptions. TWO. The Cowboys, on the other hand, have an offense that whimpers more often than you’d think: 10 points against Denver, 7 against Green Bay, 7 and 17 in their games against Washington, and 17 against San Diego. The Vikings need to shut down the Dallas running game to force Romo to make mistakes on third and long.

Here’s where I cut things short. Are there other factors in this game that favor Dallas? Absolutely. You can find them in the sports media EVERYWHERE. So I’d suggest looking there.

Kyle: VIKINGS: I hate how many people are picking Dallas because they are “hot”.  In ’07, the Redskins were “hot” after a four game win streak and got killed by Seattle.  “Hot” means nothing.

Coin: VIKINGS

Game 4: New York Jets at San Diego Chargers

Marsh: CHARGERS

Dave: CHARGERS – I’m going to talk a bit about a team that relied on its running game and defense to win games. This team had a ton of talent on both sides of the ball, but a glaring hole at quarterback forced the team to win by limiting their QB’s attempts, and hoping to get enough points out of their running game to allow their defense to win the game. Unfortunately, having no passing game ultimately doomed this team in the playoffs.

Am I talking about this year’s Jets? No, I’m talking about last year’s Vikings. The simple fact was that Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson didn’t have what it took to get Minnesota to elite status last year, and much like Jets QB Mark Sanchez, Jackson’s better games generally consisted of efficiency spread out over 15-20 pass attempts. In those games, the Vikings generally steamrolled their opponents. Unfortunately, those games were few and far between, and to pass the ball so infrequently, you’re putting a lot of pressure on your running game and defense to produce. The difference is that the Jets’ defense is much better than the Vikings’ defense last year.

San Diego’s offense is too good for the Jets to shut them down the whole game. They’ll get their 20 to 27 points, and the moment the Jets have to pass the ball to win, it’ll be all over.

Kyle: CHRGERS: Mark Sanchez will go down in beautiful flames fueled by the collapse of the Jets running game and the howitzer shells thrown by Phillip Rivers.

Coin: CHARGERS

Thoughts and Musings: 2009 Wild Card Edition

BREAKING NEWS: We know nothing about football.

Everybody goes 2-2 except Dave, whose reluctance to tempt Marshall’s wrath cost him dearly at 1-3. Clearly, this bodes well for the coin.

Marsh: Well, probably not the week I had in mind. The Dark-Lord Jones will soldier on. Here’s hoping that Minny knocks the piss outta the Cowboys next week.

• NYJ @ CIN – A terribly uninteresting game. So bad that I stopped watching football and played Call of Duty with Kyle. Then he had to go to work and I was sad again. On another note, Mark Sanchez is an asshole. And in my mind, he will always be an asshole. A spoiled, untalented, poise-filled asshole. Don’t get me wrong, he played a passable game, but it is painfully obvious that the Jets staff is scheming around hiding his deficiencies (poor decision-making, lazy footwork, the tendency to force throws,etc). So to Mark I say: the Jets made the playoffs despite you being their quarterback, not because of it. It might be in your best interest to humble yourself up and make a name for yourself rather than throw your old coach under the bus.
• PHI @ DAL – So for the first time in my life, I’m on the side of craziness. The same side that Philly sport broadcasters, bar flies, and snowball-fighters are on. I think it’s time to trade McNabb. It’s not a trade that is born of frustration or anger, but one of sadness. It’ll be good in two ways. First, it’ll allow McNabb to get a boatlaod of money on an open market, and second, he has to be at least worth a first round pick to whoever wants him. Kevin Kolb should be the starter next year, and if we find out he sucks, it’ll be nice to have that pick in the pocket to draft a replacement.
• BAL @ NE/GB @ ARI: I didn’t get a chance to see these games, as I was up in Yosemite with Elan. It was a nice trip, and when I got back I saw highlights. I usually do comment on highlights I see of the game in the regular season, but I feel that the playoffs should devote a little more of my attention to analysis. Since I didn’t watch the games, I don’t really feel I can analyze them.

Dave: The good news: the Arizona Cardinals found a way to outscore the despised Green Bay Packers. The bad news: the despised Dallas Cowboys crushed Philadelphia again. More on that below.

• NYJ @ CIN: At last, the Bengals have revealed their true form. All season, they were an overachieving squad that subsisted on close victories. Unfortunately, the result of this game is that, by virtue of beating an overrated team, the New York Jets are now overrated themselves. People everywhere seem to be captivated by the momentum the Jets have built for themselves. As always, perspective is needed. The Jets’ victory over the Colts was a product of the Colts not trying. The Jets’ victory over the Bengals in week 17 was a product of the Bengals not trying. And now, the Jets’ playoff victory over the Bengals is a product of the Bengals being an average (at best) team. Sure, Mark Sanchez had a good 15 pass attempts, and Carson Palmer was terrible again, but I highly doubt the Jets will be able to keep any of this up when they go face real playoff teams like San Diego.
• PHI @ DAL: Before I get to the Cowboys being hyped up unlike any playoff team in recent memory, some actual analysis of this game. Typically, when the Eagles lose badly, or lose to an inferior team, their loss follows a certain pattern: on offense, they throw a large number of deep passes that fall incomplete, and on defense, they have their moments but breakdowns in coverage do them in. This game was no exception, as Donovan McNabb’s attempts to go deep to DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, et al, mostly ended in failure. On the other side, Tony Romo was able to connect with Miles Austin, Jason Witten, and (dare I say it?) Roy Williams. Now, of course, thanks to a few impressive victories at the end of the season, the sports media is absolutely fawning over this Dallas team. Just about everybody thinks they’ll beat Minnesota, and quite a few have them going all the way. Oh, and when I say fawning, I mean that sportswriters and pundits everywhere have a mancrush on the Dallas Cowboys. It’s disgusting. What happened to objective analysis? Oh wait, the sports media has never had that.
• BAL @ NE: I don’t have a whole lot to say about this game other than shock at how terrible Tom Brady played. You know Brady’s having a bad game when his numbers are reminiscent of JaMarcus. Still, this game showed just how dangerous Baltimore is. They crushed the Patriots without any passing game at all. Clearly this means that John Harbaugh is a super-genius, since he beat Mr. Genius himself, Bill Belichick.
• GB @ ARI: Some people are calling this game super exciting, but usually when a game is so high-scoring, I cringe a little bit because it always means that somebody’s playing terrible defense. This game was no exception, as the second half in particular was marred by open receivers everywhere. To me, an exciting game is one that features back and forth playing by both the offenses and defenses. To make matters worse, the referees were particularly bad in this one, and on the last play of the game, Aaron Rodgers was facemasked and a penalty should have been called whether anybody likes it or not. A penalty is a penalty every time. Now, if that’s the kind of thing that would be enforced on the kickoff, then Arizona wins anyway, but at least throw the flag.

KYLE: My apologies for not posting lately.  Part of this was due to the fact that I was three thousand miles away staying with my Aunt who does not have the slightest sense of technological know how and therefor does not have internet.  For the rest of that week I hat spotty computer access at best.  I aim to get back on track for the rest of the playoffs though.  Also, I am pleased to see that the Anti-Dave has triumphed for now.

M&D Coin Picks: 2009 Wild Card Edition

FINALLY!

Maybe Dave feels the same way, but it seems like the playoffs took forever to get here to me. To be honest, my football fandom didn’t hit me that hard this year…until last week. Last week was a travesty, and it caused my green-blood to boil…

…

…

…it’s playoff time

Game 1: Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots

Marsh: RAVENS – I know I usually don’t pick the Patriots out of sheer spite, but this time I have a good reason. My reason’s name is Ray Rice. With the state of the Pats linebackers, I think it’s wise to go with a stud running back in the playoffs. Now, I’m not gonna go full Merrill Hoge and say that because it in cold Foxboro, the Raven should run the ball 45 times this game, but I think Rice should be a big part.

On defense, the path to victory is clear: Kill Tom Brady. Feel free to express your Ray Lewis = Bernard Pollard hypotheses in the comments.

Dave: PATRIOTS – People appear to be sleeping on New England due to their 10-6 record, injury to Wes Welker, and various attempts to make the intangible tangible. The Patriots, however, are better than they appear: only one of their losses was by more than 7 points (the New Orleans game). Baltimore, on the other hand, may be the best 9-7 team the NFL has ever seen: consider the Ravens’ +130 point differential and league-leading 32.5% DVOA.

Yet, despite the Football Outsiders’ record of being more accurate in predictions than any other media outlet, DVOA has been quite unreliable in picking playoff games the past two years. Of course, small sample sizes are a likely culprit, but I see home-field advantage as being enough to overcome whatever edge the Ravens may have in advanced statistics. Ultimately, the Ravens and Patriots are teams that are better than they appear; whoever wins will be a formidable opponent in the next round.

Kyle: RAVENS

Coin: RAVENS

Game 2: Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

Marsh: EAGLES – One of my goals for this website is to go 11-0 in the playoffs. That’s not likely to happen if the Eagles are in them. If the Eagles lost when I picked against them, I’m pretty sure that would make me the worst fan ever. If Bill Simmons can write 40 articles a year on how Ah-some the Paaaahts are, then I can be an Eagles homer. So sue me.

I predict a number of things happening. First, Donovan McNabb throws the first touchdown pass on a flea-flicker to DeSean Jackson, causing Mike Jenkins’ to throw a hissy fit and storm off the field, crying. While the ball is in the air, McNabb then waves [Eagles' columnist] Dave Spadaro on the field, who will spit on the Cowboys star,and then knock Demarcus Ware unconscious with a sock full of quarters. Once on defense, the Eagles reveals that they signed Jessica Simpson to the cheer-leading squad, for the purposes of flirting with Tony Romo while he is trying to call the play. It will all be futile, because his play-calling armband is replaced with the prop he used while he was an ESPN receptionist. The dreaded “Stuart Scott’s-Production-Meeting-at-3″ play results in a catastrophic failure. Romo throws an interception.

In the second half, Romo continues to be horrid, having gone 3-20 for 96 yards, with 5 interceptions. Roy Williams has caught all three passes. Roy Williams then decides Romo is throwing him shitty passes, and refuses to leave the bench. Romo throws his next pass to Miles Austin, but it falls incomplete when he discovers that Miles Austin isn’t actually on the field. Austin is actually in the car trunk of a Philadelphia-born “Waste Management Specialist” name Vinny D’Armato. Austin is found six weeks later when he washes up in Port Richmond. Donovan McNabb continues to score with reckless abandon, assisted by a cadre of glowing seraphim. After the Eagles’ inevitable victory, the ground swallows Cowboy’s Stadium whole, allowing Jerry Jones to ascend to his dark throne. There he lies in wait until next August.

Basically, I’m taking the Eagles. They do the Lord’s work.

Dave: EAGLES – Now, regular readers of this website (I will continue to pretend they exist!) may recall me picking the Cowboys to beat the Eagles last week, with the rationale that objectively, I truly thought the Cowboys would win the game. The result? Cowboys 24, Eagles 0.

…So you might be wondering about that word in bold that looks just like “Eagles.”

Well, what do we know about the Eagles? What did I call them earlier this season? That’s right, the Philadelphia Logic-Defiers. Logic dictates that Dallas will win. Therefore, the Eagles will win.

(Or maybe I picked the Eagles to prevent any desire to root for the Cowboys for any reason, and therefore tempt the wrath of Marshall.)

Kyle: EAGLES

Coin: EAGLES

Game 3: Green Bay Packers @ Arizona Cardinals

Marsh: CARDINALS – With all these rematches, I’m finding less and less interesting things to say about this game. I’ll take the Cards simply cause I think they’ll have the home mojo going, and because I think the Packers are overrated. Simply put, the Packers turn the ball over too much, they’ve played weak competition and Aaron Rodgers isn’t that good.

Meanwhile, the Cards are the very definition of a dark horse playoff team. With the football malaise of the NFC West, they were able to conquer the division with relative ease. They have a few injuries (Anquan Boldin and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie are the biggies), but they also have the talent to replace those injuries. Kurt Warner also gets disgustingly good in the playoffs.

Dave: PACKERS – Offensively, the Packers are rolling. Defensively, the Packers are rolling. Take these two things, make either or both of them the deciding factor, and the Packers beat the Arizona Cardinals.

The problem is special teams, where the Packers have been terrible in every way imaginable. Muffed punts, blocked field goals, and opponent kickoff return touchdowns have marred Green Bay’s season.

I’m picking the Packers anyway. Arizona simply isn’t very good.

Kyle: CARDINALS

Coin: PACKERS

Game 4: New York Jets @ Cincinnati Bengals

Marsh: BENGALS – Boy, Mark Sanchez looked pretty damned “poised” when he threw for 63 yards last week, huh? Um…yeah. It’s not gonna get it done once you realize that the Bengals held out their defensive tackles last week. I seriously don’t care about this game, because neither team is interesting to me in the slightest. I kinda almost wish they could both lose, cause the only reward available to them is getting ripped to shreds by San Diego or Indy.

Dave: JETS – The Bengals are the worst team in the playoffs. The Jets at least have a defense.

Neither of these teams is a real Super Bowl contender, so I don’t care enough to say too much about the game.

Kyle: BENGALS

Coin: JETS

BREAKING NEWS: St. Louis Rams win 2009 NFL Depression Championship

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – It all started in the fourth quarter, when Rams kicker Josh Brown made a 29-yard field goal to pull St. Louis within one point of the San Francisco 49ers.

“I looked at the scoreboard and saw Detroit start to fade against Chicago,” Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo said. “We didn’t have a moment to lose.”

The Rams, ranked second in the Marsh & Dave Vs. The Coin NFL Depression Rankings, were the underdog in the Depression Championship against the defending Depression Champions, the Detroit Lions. As the Rams trailed, 7-6, the Lions had allowed the Chicago Bears to break what was a fourth-quarter tie. Spagnuolo knew that a one-point loss wouldn’t be enough.

“We had to dig deep. We had to remember what it was that made us depressing all season. We were the team with the worst offense and the worst defense.”

Indeed, the St. Louis offense sputtered all day, as Keith Null’s 57 yards on 17 pass attempts was outdone by veteran depressing QB Kyle Boller, who passed for a mere 23 yards on 11 pass attempts. But the Rams defense, a terrible unit all season, seemed to be finding a way to shut down the 49ers offense.

After Brown’s field goal, Spagnuolo knew he had to make a bold move.

“I told our secondary coach that I wanted to see those guys start getting burned.”

Spagnuolo got his wish, as shortly thereafter, San Francisco QB Alex Smith connected with TE Vernon Davis for a 73-yard touchdown to put the 49ers ahead, 14-6. Two more fourth quarter touchdowns followed, and the final score was one more fitting of the Rams: 28-6.

However, according to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, it wasn’t the final score of the game that clinched the championship for the Rams. It was the atmosphere in the Edward Jones Dome.

“Some fans are passionate about their team even when they’re down,” Goodell explained. “However, when Vernon Davis scored in the fourth quarter, there was no cheering. There was no booing. In fact, there was no noise at all. What that indicated is that Rams fans have no passion remaining for their team. They saw the touchdown pass and eventual loss not as a catastrophic event, but instead, as an inevitability. That is what makes them the most depressing NFL team of the 2009 season.”

Spagnuolo said he couldn’t have been more proud of his team.

“It’s a rare thing to see a group of guys work so hard in practice and then play so bad on the field. This is a group of guys who have taken depressing football and made it an art form. In fact, I think they’re more depressing than last year’s Lions in a lot of ways.”

Lions head coach Jim Schwartz commented on the loss.

“Well, before the game, we knew we were ranked number one and in the driver’s seat. So I decided to start my go-to guy when I need a depressing performance in Daunte Culpepper. I was horrified to see Culpepper put together a performance like he did for the Vikings when he was their quarterback a few years ago. Unfortunately, while our defense did the right thing and stepped down, our offense actually stepped up.

“I congratulate the St. Louis Rams on a well-deserved championship.”

After congratulating the Lions on their lack of accomplishments, Goodell turned his focus to the NFL draft.

“Now, for these depressing teams, the offseason begins, and the offseason is very important. A strong draft and free-agent signings hurt a team’s initial depression rank. However, these two teams in particular know how to have a bad offseason, so I’m very confident they’ll do it again.”

Spagnuolo said that the Rams are poised to repeat.

“I agree with the commissioner, and in fact, we’re already prepared for a terrible offseason.”

Asked who he thinks the Rams will draft first overall, Spagnuolo delivered an answer sure to depress Rams fans even more.

“Who knows? We might draft Sam Bradford.”

Final Regular Season Results

First, the results from “the lost week,” week 16:

For the curious, Kyle didn’t give us picks for this week either, so I decided to have Kyle pick the team least popular among the rest of us, which I think you would agree is a very Kyle thing to do. Marsh and Dave tie at 11-5 due to an outbreak of not disagreeing on games.

Now, week 17:

And, once again, Marsh and Dave tie at 11-5 due to an outbreak of not disagreeing on games. Kyle, i.e. anti-Dave, goes a predictable 5-11. The coin does what the coin does, going 8-8.

And where does that leave the final totals for the season?

Marshall is your winner! Thanks to simply making solid picks on a week-to-week basis, he avenges last year (including the embarrassment of tying his girlfriend) to become the Marsh & Dave Vs. The Coin 2009 picks champion! Meanwhile, Dave has vowed to go and hire a better programmer to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again. As for Kyle, well, Dave’s sabotage was just enough to get him to exactly even. And the coin… has seen better days. It was a bitter year indeed.

Still, the picks are not over! Next up is the postseason, and it should be a good one, as even the 9-7 AFC wild card teams have strong advanced metrics behind them. Will Marsh prove his success wasn’t a fluke? Will Dave have a new program written in time? Will Kyle finally provide picks of his own? Will the coin finally know something we don’t? Keep tuning in to find out!

Final NFL Depression Rankings

1. DETROIT: They’ve made it back to the Depression Championship despite actually having a non-zero amount of wins on their record. That’s right, the 2009 NFL Depression Championship will be waged between the Lions and…
2. ST. LOUIS: The Rams, who have been so bad on a week-to-week basis that some might have a legitimate protest about their not being #1. It is truly a worthy final.
3. KANSAS CITY: For all the hoopla about the arrival of Matt Cassel and new head coach Todd Haley, the Chiefs haven’t improved even a little bit. As a result, they still rank very highly here.
4. OAKLAND: No matter how often the Raiders keep wanting to fall down the rankings, they just keep coming right back up.
5. SEATTLE: I can’t say I expected to see the Seahawks ranked quite this highly at the end of this season, but here they are, thanks to what can only be described as seriously lethargic football.
6. WASHINGTON: What can I say? It’s simply been a terrible season for the Redskins, who were playing some seriously inspired football until a couple weeks ago, when I suppose they lost their will to compete.
7. CLEVELAND: This just doesn’t seem right, but thanks to some seriously heroic efforts by Jerome Harrison (including a needlessly high number of carries), the Browns are all the way down to #7.
8. BUFFALO: Obligatory Bills depression ranking.
9. CHICAGO: I imagine the Bears’ victory over the Vikings is a direct result of my hubris in ranking them so high last time. I apologize.
10. TAMPA BAY: On one hand, they beat the Saints, but on the other hand… they still only have three wins. But come on, they beat the Saints! But… they only have three wins…